Of Hows and Whys...

dont know how or why, ive lost my dream job and am piss broke at a time when i need money to do baby shopping the most and just run day to day affairs.

God has a bigger and better plan.

some times i forget that but its crucial for me not to...

the armies of light and dark...

the armies ranked...
of blood they stank...
of black and white...
of wrong and right...
have lined my brain...
to drive me insane...
of day and night...
tomorrow i write...
and sleep tonight...

Leaving the branches of my brain ...

a door closes, a window opens...

'Can u hear me now?' A question my mind was asking passerbys all too frequently back in 2005 when the schizophrenia was reaching its climax and the window of cross chatter between both hemispheres of my brain had opened and let some fresh air in... or what is out... the clouds of time fog my memory. Its not important i guess, otherwise i would surely remember it.

In, Out, Up, Down. What difference does it make. Apparently, none. Way back then, it made all the difference. These were the four directions the signs would be pointing in... or out...

What I learnt from the experience of losing my mind twice?

Firstly, I wasnt losing my mind, I was gaining it.

Secondly, every random thing I uttered has some relevance in my present day to day life...

Thirdly, hardly anyone can or will or moreover admit to having understood what I am talking about.

Fourthly, when the 'game' becomes active beyond a certain point, it brings with it assholes who unnecessarily interfere with my life and want to induce into my life their own fucking point of view; much like the fucking doctors trying to inject me with shit that they believe will save me from my imagination.

Fifthly, while the matrix is busy throwing assholes your way, it also sends a series of beautiful people your way. The important part you have to play is to focus on the light, and not the darkness.

Sixthly, angels and demons manifest in human form everyday, often in the guise of the same person. It could just be the two spheres of each individual that you come across, reflecting the battle of light vs. darkness going on in the universe since God first said 'Be' and 'it was'.

Seventhly, smoking dope brings light, but brings more darkness.

Eighthly, whatever happens, does so, for the best. No arguments.

Lastly, This Universe, has before, continues to, and will, once again, release itself unto me. The signs i see all around me tell me so. The dreams I have, prophecise so. The dormant schizophrenia in my brain, believes so. But I have learnt, through two episodes of being driven to the psychiatric ward, that I must enjoy all this silently, and use it more as a means of artistic expression and less as a means of self proclamation.

I believe that there is no such thing as madness. What you refer to as madness is just your own inability to understand someone elses imagination. Imagination lives. And yes, I have seen evidence of you reacting to the voices in my head. Until we meet again in some playground in the fourth dimension, I continue to paint. I dont know whether my reality will ever become one with yours. Whether all of mankind will one day see and believe in the same light, reject the same darkness, and play with same colors of my minds paints that I do.

Only time can answer some questions.

dream of you...

I've been here all the time

As far as I know doing right

I've always waited for the moment

That you would come through my door

But this brought loneliness so far

I lay my hand onto my heart

Is this the life I want to live

Is this the dream I had of you?

But this brought loneliness so far

I lay my hand onto my heart

Is this the life I want to live

Is this the dream I had of you...

the dream I had of you?

Now I'm standing here alone

I'm waiting on my own

For something that will fill the emptiness inside

The moment that you're mine

But this is loneliness I know

I lay my hand onto my soul

Is this what life has got to give

Is this the dream I had of you...

The dream I had of you?

But this is loneliness I know

I lay my hand onto my soul

Is this what life has got to give?

Is this the dream,the dream I had of you?

~schiller ... dream of you...

what do you mean?

a friend of mine had a subheading under his nickname on msn today which read 'let it just be me...' so i messaged him asking 'who else could it be?' to which he promptly replied, 'you ... ;)'

i dont know what he was talking about, i still dont. and i dont think he knew what he could have been talking about either ...

i often wonder whether people actually understand each other or are they just smiling and nodding ... randomly picking at different meanings that each word could have... its only after spending a long time with someone do you begin to understand where the person is coming from and what exactly their words mean ... its then that people start having conversations that are less meaningfull and actually mean something...

~Ode to all the meaningless/full conversations i've had with myself...

i vs. me ...

'why do i keep having these dreams?'
'such dreams are a sign that you have schizophrenia...'

the lost thread has found the tangents of my brain again ... the dreams and the prophecies contained within continue. While my dreams could be a reflection of some schizophrenia that lies dormant in my brain after two and a half years of medication ... how do you explain the constant signs that point me in the same direction ... surely my schizo brain cant be conjuring up those ...

also astrologically im going through a 'transition period' that apparently is of utmost importance in my life... i have to be at the right place at the right time she said ...
i cant help but only be where i am... i told myself...

life is an interesting read ... I thank God for listening ... for answering ... for showing me the signs that only He can ... while i can only read one day at a time... i wait for the novels last page where the story ends and I'll have a smile on my face, knowing that this was the best possible read of my life...