the armies of light and dark...

the armies ranked...
of blood they stank...
of black and white...
of wrong and right...
have lined my brain...
to drive me insane...
of day and night...
tomorrow i write...
and sleep tonight...

Leaving the branches of my brain ...

a door closes, a window opens...

'Can u hear me now?' A question my mind was asking passerbys all too frequently back in 2005 when the schizophrenia was reaching its climax and the window of cross chatter between both hemispheres of my brain had opened and let some fresh air in... or what is out... the clouds of time fog my memory. Its not important i guess, otherwise i would surely remember it.

In, Out, Up, Down. What difference does it make. Apparently, none. Way back then, it made all the difference. These were the four directions the signs would be pointing in... or out...

What I learnt from the experience of losing my mind twice?

Firstly, I wasnt losing my mind, I was gaining it.

Secondly, every random thing I uttered has some relevance in my present day to day life...

Thirdly, hardly anyone can or will or moreover admit to having understood what I am talking about.

Fourthly, when the 'game' becomes active beyond a certain point, it brings with it assholes who unnecessarily interfere with my life and want to induce into my life their own fucking point of view; much like the fucking doctors trying to inject me with shit that they believe will save me from my imagination.

Fifthly, while the matrix is busy throwing assholes your way, it also sends a series of beautiful people your way. The important part you have to play is to focus on the light, and not the darkness.

Sixthly, angels and demons manifest in human form everyday, often in the guise of the same person. It could just be the two spheres of each individual that you come across, reflecting the battle of light vs. darkness going on in the universe since God first said 'Be' and 'it was'.

Seventhly, smoking dope brings light, but brings more darkness.

Eighthly, whatever happens, does so, for the best. No arguments.

Lastly, This Universe, has before, continues to, and will, once again, release itself unto me. The signs i see all around me tell me so. The dreams I have, prophecise so. The dormant schizophrenia in my brain, believes so. But I have learnt, through two episodes of being driven to the psychiatric ward, that I must enjoy all this silently, and use it more as a means of artistic expression and less as a means of self proclamation.

I believe that there is no such thing as madness. What you refer to as madness is just your own inability to understand someone elses imagination. Imagination lives. And yes, I have seen evidence of you reacting to the voices in my head. Until we meet again in some playground in the fourth dimension, I continue to paint. I dont know whether my reality will ever become one with yours. Whether all of mankind will one day see and believe in the same light, reject the same darkness, and play with same colors of my minds paints that I do.

Only time can answer some questions.

dream of you...

I've been here all the time

As far as I know doing right

I've always waited for the moment

That you would come through my door

But this brought loneliness so far

I lay my hand onto my heart

Is this the life I want to live

Is this the dream I had of you?

But this brought loneliness so far

I lay my hand onto my heart

Is this the life I want to live

Is this the dream I had of you...

the dream I had of you?

Now I'm standing here alone

I'm waiting on my own

For something that will fill the emptiness inside

The moment that you're mine

But this is loneliness I know

I lay my hand onto my soul

Is this what life has got to give

Is this the dream I had of you...

The dream I had of you?

But this is loneliness I know

I lay my hand onto my soul

Is this what life has got to give?

Is this the dream,the dream I had of you?

~schiller ... dream of you...

what do you mean?

a friend of mine had a subheading under his nickname on msn today which read 'let it just be me...' so i messaged him asking 'who else could it be?' to which he promptly replied, 'you ... ;)'

i dont know what he was talking about, i still dont. and i dont think he knew what he could have been talking about either ...

i often wonder whether people actually understand each other or are they just smiling and nodding ... randomly picking at different meanings that each word could have... its only after spending a long time with someone do you begin to understand where the person is coming from and what exactly their words mean ... its then that people start having conversations that are less meaningfull and actually mean something...

~Ode to all the meaningless/full conversations i've had with myself...

i vs. me ...

'why do i keep having these dreams?'
'such dreams are a sign that you have schizophrenia...'

the lost thread has found the tangents of my brain again ... the dreams and the prophecies contained within continue. While my dreams could be a reflection of some schizophrenia that lies dormant in my brain after two and a half years of medication ... how do you explain the constant signs that point me in the same direction ... surely my schizo brain cant be conjuring up those ...

also astrologically im going through a 'transition period' that apparently is of utmost importance in my life... i have to be at the right place at the right time she said ...
i cant help but only be where i am... i told myself...

life is an interesting read ... I thank God for listening ... for answering ... for showing me the signs that only He can ... while i can only read one day at a time... i wait for the novels last page where the story ends and I'll have a smile on my face, knowing that this was the best possible read of my life...

the music sounds better wiith you...

tick tick tick ... change the radio channels while driving in the car, put on something random, focus on visualization while changing the channels and let the universe play the soundtrack of your mind... 'we are playing your song...' a woman on the air waves reminds me... and surely, if the other side of my schizophrenic brain has to interpret the music then yea... the singer is surely singing this song for me...

apply the same chaos theory to switching television channels. close youre eyes. start visualization and start flicking the stations. ever noticed how since 2005 a lot of channels end in 'one' ...? well its just another one of lifes randomness that my brain picked up on... 'show me a sign...' and i'd say eight times out of ten ... the random television channels will be playing something that i in some twisted way or the other might be able to relate to ...

an interesting experiment i picked up on by myself back in two thousand and four / five was to randomize the music being played on the computer along with the television channels being played on mute... and throw in a third series of randomness that could either be an image you open on your computer or the thoughts that a morning joint would bring with it and pretty soon, the triangle of light starts to work in a way that your thoughts start echoing on the television and the music is playing the sountrack of your life ... minutes would turn into hours and hours into days doing this... it was my way of connecting with the universe... and letting the universe know that i am here now... and i love you...

where we go from here ... is something i leave entirely up to you ...

a reason to smile...

you need to log onto www.stumbleupon.com she said to me today... what is that i asked... just do it she urged.

and the most life transforming internet user experience came forth to greet me as i let the universe throw information my way and i was just hungrilily grasping whatever i could. Not just any information... information that held my interest and information that i could give a thumbs up or down to to further refine future information that came my way. absolute brilliance...

and as i walked down to give her a package i started smilling... why are u smilling she asked... 'cause i already know the answer to your question...' i answered... still smilling...

a few hours later she told me. i had every reason to smile today.
Allah ka shukar hai...!

2:259

Another one of lifes coincidences ... in the years following 2004-5 i would often wake up from my sleep in the middle of the night and upon looking at the time would find it to be 2:59 a.m. Even if i were awake, i would often look at the clock right when the clock was striking 2:59 a.m. I used this as an inspiration for a short film I made called 2:59 a.m. which was about being stuck in one minute of time.

It was many years later in 2008 that i was searching for my name on the internet and came upon a link that offered to show where in the Holy Book my name was mentioned and i came upon the following text:

2:259 Or (take) the similitude of one who passed by a hamlet, all in ruins to its roofs. He said: "Oh! how shall Allah bring it (ever) to life, after (this) its death?" but Allah caused him to die for a hundred years, then raised him up (again). He said: "How long didst thou tarry (thus)?" He said: (Perhaps) a day or part of a day." He said: "Nay, thou hast tarried thus a hundred years; but look at thy food and thy drink; they show no signs of age; and look at thy donkey: And that We may make of thee a sign unto the people, Look further at the bones, how We bring them together and clothe them with flesh." When this was shown clearly to him, he said: "I know that Allah hath power over all things."

I believe that life is showing us signs all the time and whether we believe in them or understand them is up to us ... sometimes they make sense much later in life when you're looking back at how your story unfolded over the years. I remember once in life being surrounded by so many signs and coincidences that it drove me mad. I wait for the day when the signs shall return unto me; this time I'm ready for them.

Twenty Months and Counting ...

i know you dont believe in monthaversaries anymore ... and probably too distracted by everyday life to remember. but despite that i just needed an excuse to make you feel special today. its been twenty months since i sent you that sms to get married while you were visiting the holy cube... my life has transformed since then ... so heres to us and the memories that have made us what we are ... happily in love with each other ... smooch!

Cruci-Fiction ...

why did i tell her that i wanted to die at thirty three? why did it feel like someone jabbed my right hand with a huge nail? why did i see stacks of white cloth and thorns lying in my tent? why did i see your statue made out light instead of stone? why did i cry hysterically when all i was touching was the grail? why did he call me by your name when i came back from the holy cube? why did i think i was you? why did i start seeing you in my dreams? where is the light that you and i are both made of? what good is this light if you cant see it? am i who i think i am or just a figment of my own imagination? why does the mayan calendar end on december 21, 2012? why does the i ching divination end on the same date? why cant the web based oracle web bot see beyond winter four years later? why is the sun going to be alligned with the earth and the center of the milky way on december 21, 2012? and why am i going to be thirty three when all of this happens?

I want ...

the universal declaration of human rights to be applied globally and take effect this year forever... food, clothing and shelter for everyone on the planet... health and happiness to fill every single humans life on this planet ... a border free world where you can freely roam the planet ... peace on earth ... games for every child to grow up with ... only goodness to conquer the hearts and minds of humankind... a world where nature and natural beauty is restored to Earth, the way it was when God originally created it ... a world where the third dimension and the fourth dimension are overlayed onto each other in perfect harmony ... where humans can generate ideas that become realities ... where the power of your imagination can create whatever you need... paradise restored on Earth... the human mind to realize its fullest potential and work on 100 percent capacity ... you to read this blog and be inspired by it ... the prophecies of my imagination to become a reality now ... to be an artist exhibiting the world over... to see Christ re-appear on Earth... it all to make sense ... a tattoo ... a head full of hair ... a perfect body ... you to be happy forever ... to give you a princess cut diamond ring on your thirtyth birthday ... to see the unseen ... to hear the unheard ... to feel the energy ... to redeem my place in the hearts and minds of others ... only friends ... to inspire the world with my stories ... all my dreams to come true ... to spend this lifetime and the next with you ... to make love to you in a thunderstorm with the rain carressing us... you to fly ... answers to the questions my heart and mind ask often ... to never have to work for money ... to be free of the limitations of my 3d body ... to heal the world... to show everyone the light ... to be an ambassador of peace ... to be the man i am destined to be....

the day of the birth ...

amongst the many surprise gifts showing up in my hands throughout the day yesterday ... the best was a book called 'crucifixion' ... a collection of the most famous paintings and photographs of Jesus Christ's crucifixion. my wife had bought in thailand a few weeks ago and managed to not only hide this purchase from me, but also displaced the second copy from the 'arts' section into the 'cooking' section so that me and twelve other store attendants, all looking for the book couldnt find it... for the past two weeks i had been dismissing my esp telling me that i was going to get the book on my birthday ... until the night before at maybe one o clock in bed she asked me to turn my back to her in bed and brought out a wrapped present... 'happy birthday' ... hmmm... it didnt look like a book... it wasnt a book... maybe the book was under the pillow, i thought ... it wasnt... 'i was sure you had bought the book for me ... ' i said ... and we went to sleep after the usual passionate session of love making ...

nine to six at work i got two presents from her... a pair of mr. grumpy cufflinks and two awesome tshirts that soon became the envy of the guys at work ... i got picked at six ten and upon arriving home found more presents from my family...

'well... ' she said with a smile on her face... 'if you come here right now and give me a kiss i might just give you another present...' 'not that i'm acting greedy or anything...' i said while quickly walking over to kiss her... and lo and behold ... out came the book i had been dying for since the moment my eyes fell on it ...

she has a habit of finding the most appropriate and awesome gifts and making my day, night, month, year, decade, lifetime ... be it sober or funny cufflinks, a watch without hands that still tells the time, a phone that has become an extention of my life, a book that might inspire my art further, flowers, chocolates, cards, notes, clothes, mugs, jewelry and the list goes on ...

i am a fortunate man to have found not only a woman who loves me for who i am, but a woman who selflessly gives all that she has to make me who i am. heres to a lifetime of us jaan, i heart you infinity to the power cube.

29290808

random dates and numbers; colliding together in the cosmos; alligning my stars; make me who i am today. i have witnessed the planets circle the sun twenty nine times ... i have seen the stars, the moon, the sun and eclipses bear witness to who i am ... i have seen men circle the holy cube, echoing the planets above ... i have lost my mind to the darkness of substance abuse twice in my life... i have seen the light ... i have played in the darkness ... i have found love ... i have been found by love ... and i stand here today, on the twentyninth step of my life long ladder, taking in all that life has to offer...